“We never
know what is going to happen, do we? Life is always throwing us this way and
that. That’s where the adventure is. Not knowing where you’ll end up or how
you’ll fare. It’s all a mystery, and when we say any different, we’re just
lying to ourselves. Tell me, when have you felt most alive?”
~ from The Snow Child by Eowyn Ivey ~
Considering
the majority of my readers is family, friends, and without whom I would not be
here, I decided I owe it to you to explain what has been leading up to the news
I received last week…
Tonight I
will be returning home for an indefinite amount of time.
The first
four months of my Ecuador year went very smoothly health-wise. I was adapting to
a new kind of diet but overall I felt strong, had energy, and only occasionally
dealt with the volunteer-staple of stomach bugs. The reality is, since
Christmas my health has been, for lack of a better term, “on the rocks.” Every
month there’s been something different, viruses and infections alike. Thursday
morning, during my most recent cold, I got a phone call from our boss. She told
me that, after much discussion, the foundation thought it would be the best
decision to have me return home to get checked out, get my defenses back up,
and ship me back here when I’m healthy. That time period, as of now, is
indefinite.
So I leave
tonight, and it has been an extremely difficult last few days. The news,
knowing it would be within the week, brought on a slew of emotions, but mostly
sadness and disappointment. Telling neighbors today has been emotionally draining. The year is not meant to be split up like this, and
with only 3 months left it is the last thing I want to do. The community of
Mount Sinai is going through a very hard time right now as the government is in
the process of kicking people out of certain sectors, taking away electricity
and houses, and many families are left with nowhere to go or nowhere to send
their kids to school. To not be able to be with my neighbors through that, to
leave my community in the heat of retreat group season, to lose a part of this
last quarter of the year—is painful. At the same time I feel caught in a
strange world of thanksgiving to see my family in this time, yet overwhelmingly
not feeling emotionally ready to leave or make that kind of transition.
But I was
lucky. After Thursday, I was met with the 3rd Quarter All-RdC Weekend
Retreat in Manta. I was blessed to have been able to relax, laugh, reflect, and
process this next step with the other volunteers, our boss, and the retreat
leader. I spent a lot of time thinking about what I wanted this upcoming time
to be for me and where I wanted my emotions to be. First and foremost, I am
being sent home for the right reason. I’ve found myself a part of a foundation
that cares so much for their volunteers and their experience that they take a
measure like this for my safety. The truth is, if I do indeed want to finish
this year strong I need something to change. It has effected my
ability to be in the neighborhood, the amount of work I´ve been able to
do, and (as you all can attest) how often I can blog or am in touch with friends
and family back home. I think about if these last 3
months continued going like they’ve been going…I don’t think I’d look back and say I finished strong.
I have a lot of goals for the end of my year but am most of
all hoping I can intentionally spread my energy with neighborhood time, working
hard at my job, and our house community. It would be unfair to those here to not do what I can to be able to put all
of my energy into that goal. This can be a time to rest and recuperate not only
physically but emotionally and spiritually—having time in silence, time to
read, helping my sister with high school finals, maybe even finishing up my map
of Mount Sinai with my mom. And maybe above all, the time on retreat and this
time in general has truly reminded me how blessed I am with support and love. I
couldn’t do this without it, and Rostro, my volunteer community, family, and
friends are who I have to thank wholeheartedly.
All in all,
there are silver linings. Rainer Maria Rilke says to “have patience with
everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves.”
I have a lot of questions about this upcoming time and what it will be, how I
will feel. But it’s a part of my specific journey this year and I am slowly
starting to see those linings. I will miss them—my neighbors, my community, the
other volunteers—while I’m gone, but I hope to be back as soon as possible and
this time with strength and energy to “finish well.”
Thank you all so much for your support, your words of encouragement, your care. Any prayers and thoughts would mean the world.
With Hope,
Miguel
